For Better or For Worse
by fuzzydream
Summary: Anna and Bates, in 30 little stories.


**A/N:** A month ago I decided to be a part of a 30 days challenge on tumblr - a little story every day for 30 days, based on one word. So now they're here together along with the last one! I've had so much fun writing these that I'll miss them. I hope you'll like them. They mostly are canon and there are no modern takes here - it is all set in series 1, 2, 3 or 4, and some of them are set in the future I wish for them. :) I should say that all of these are completely unedited so there might be some mistakes - especially since English is not my first language - but I hope it's enjoyable all the same.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Downton Abbey.

* * *

_Fingertips_

She loved his hands. The feel of his calloused palms against her own as they walked, firm and steady but still so soft, and she would wonder how they were always warm and smooth, even in the coldest winter day. She loved when he cradled her face and kissed her, loved the feeling of his fingertips against her body, loved the feeling of his fingers running through her hair. She loved to watch his swift hands work, mending some jacket or polishing some shoes. Always steady, always practical, and reserving his soft touch just for her.

But when she saw a much smaller palm wrapping around his fingertip, the baby's strong grip eliciting a grin from him, she was sure she couldn't have loved them more.

* * *

_Acceptance_

He brought her lilacs. The bread was still warm, the milk was just at the right temperature, and there were even some fruit that he probably sneaked out to get, taking advantage of Mrs Patmore's absence. She couldn't imagine the effort it took him to make up this tray for her, and still bring it up, with all the stairs - but of course he could manage.

He said nothing. Her mum always said silence can mean much more than words. And he smiled, and she wanted to say something - to thank him, to tell him he didn't have to do this, but he shushed her. Words weren't necessary.

He brought her lilacs, and she loved him.

* * *

_Hurt_

He didn't tell her he loved her back. He didn't tell her he was married. He asked her to marry him. He didn't tell her that his wife had blackmailed him. He left her. He disappeared from her view at the village. He didn't look for her.

He wanted to protect her. She didn't want to be protected.

She was expecting more hurt when she went to the public house to confront him. She expected that he would try to protect her again. She was sure he would hurt her again. She was afraid he would tell her to not visit him again.

She wasn't expecting new promises and genuine smiles - he still wanted to protect her. But when he declared his love for the third time that afternoon, she knew that he realised he wouldn't have to hurt her to protect her again.

* * *

_Game_

Sometimes, their hands would touch. It was always tentative, always hesitant. They would share smiles and significant looks. Jokes after everyone had gone to bed. He would tease her about how sweet she liked her tea, and she would tease him by saying he could use more sugar in his life. They were friends. It was innocent. Just their personal little game.

After a while, the smiles lingered and they started sharing stories instead of jokes. They learned they made a pretty good team. The touches became scarce after a while - too dangerous, too hesitant. But when they did touch each other, accidentally or on purpose, they knew.

It wasn't a game any longer.

* * *

_Lips_

The way her lips curled into a smile enchanted him early on. The way she spoke often had him transfixed. And before long, he found himself wondering how would her lips feel against his. It was improper, he knew, but he simply couldn't help it. He had nothing to offer her, he had no claim on her at all, but he still wondered what she tasted like, how soft she was, or, in a pang of jealousy, he wondered what other lips would meet hers in the future, for she deserved one - a better man, who could offer her the life she deserved.

These lips that would kiss her were his, in the end - she claimed there was no better man than him, and while he would normally argue, she found a way to silence him - and he knew he would be entirely at her mercy.

* * *

_Irritable_

Her temper has been short with him lately. She often complains that he didn't clean their little kitchen well, or snaps when he accidentally brings some mud with him when he enters the cottage after gardening. He grows quite cautious, trying not to make her angry at any costs, though that proves to be a challenge. She wakes up in a cranky mood after his snoring kept her up all night, and he worries that she's getting quite sick of him - that perhaps she doesn't love him anymore. But she always regrets it later, and he feels helpless because he doesn't know how to help.

Of course, she always apologises afterwards - more often than not, she feels so much regret that she can't stop crying. When he comes home one night she snaps that his lateness got her so worried, and she ends up apologising, with hot tears sliding down her cheeks and he tells her that it's fine - even though she says she does not know what is wrong with her, to make her feel like this.

A week later, they find out the reason why she's been so irritable lately. Apparently, mood swings are quite normal in pregnancy.

* * *

_Blush_

It wasn't often that they talked of the future, but what with his divorce almost completely over, they grew anxious and hopeful. It was him who brought up the topic. A small cottage, a bigger shelf for his books. Anna wanted a small garden too. He laced their fingers together. Maybe he would try to cook her breakfast once or twice. Their own private life, away from prying eyes. Preferably with neighbours that weren't very curious, he added. He asked what she wanted the most, after a little banter with many suggestions of how their life together could be.

"Going to sleep and waking up in your arms," she said after a moment of hesitation. "Being yours, body and soul."

Her voice was raw and almost - _almost_ - innocent, and the blush that crept up his cheeks under her meaning was inevitable. And when she kisses him, in the dirty courtyard, hidden behind the crates so no one could see them, he knew he had much to look forward to.

* * *

_Stress_

Lord Grantham's jacket is stained. He has quite a few shoes to polish now that they were back in Downton after a week in London. There will be more soldiers coming in the morning. He got a letter from his lawyer in the morning - still no progress whatsoever. Someone is talking about another boy from the village who will not be returning home anymore. The war is everywhere: in the continent, in the newspapers. There is another war too, fought by him and Anna - and the prospects aren't good and he wonders if they'll ever change.

He suddenly feels her hand against his underneath the table, and he nearly jumps at the contact. He meets her eyes and she smiles. She is all the strength he needs to keep trying to win.

* * *

_Trying_

It was impossibly difficult at first. He always hesitated to touch her, and even though she wouldn't mind in most occasions, whenever he caught her unprepared she would flinch. The kisses were barely a touch of lips and nothing more than that was even contemplated. But still, they tried. She would touch him more often - to prove to herself that she could do it, and to show him that she could be strong too.

Sometimes, it would be too much. There were too many moments of loud silence, so many nightmares, and the smiles were rare. But they would come, every now and then - as the kisses would, and they would grow honest and loving with time. She was trying - for herself, for him, and for them. And while some days would be darker, the horizon seemed brighter with each little step ahead.

* * *

_Roses_

They were everywhere. Pink, yellow, red, lavender. Someone was talking about their meanings but Anna did not pay attention to them. Her heart was still beating fast against her chest, and while no word had been spoken between them yet, she still remained at his side, as always.

She wasn't sure if a conversation was necessary, really, especially after her confession and his response. Eventually Gwen came to talk to her, and she and Mr Bates were separated for the rest of the show. She considered walking home with Gwen and Daisy, but it seemed wrong somehow - and she found herself a step behind the others, as usual, hoping that he would catch up with them.

When he did, he offered her a small, single red rose, and she accepted it wordlessly, before the others could notice. Years later, he would tell her that its meaning was one of love, even if he hadn't had the courage to confess his love for her then. Walking back home from the flower show, however, the red rose symbolized another four letter word for her: hope.

* * *

_Goosebumps_

She had kissed a boy once. She was fourteen, and he was thirteen, and they had been best friends throughout her childhood. It had been completely innocent - a desperate farewell, as she would leave to work as a housemaid the next week. Just a mere touch of lips, really - so quick and soft she was sure, even in her lack of experience, that it hadn't even been a real kiss.

Her next kiss happened a few years later, when the young clerk at the post office had taken a liking to her. He had asked her to go to the fair with him and he was sweet and nice, but she knew better than to think she could love him. The kiss had been quick and it surprised her; she thought it was rather sloppy, really - certainly not the kind of kiss one would read in a romantic novel, and it disappointed her. It was never repeated, and the young man soon found happiness with a village girl. Her place was at Downton, as a housemaid, and she had no intention of sharing another kiss with anyone anytime soon.

Her next kiss, however, was slow and careful and she never wanted it to end. Small goosebumps broke out across her arms and stomach, and she shivered when he pulled away. The way his hands cradled her face and how his fingers touched her hair - he simply took her breath away. She wondered what it would be like to be kissed by him every day, for the rest of her life.

* * *

_Chocolate_

He stopped by the kitchen when he arrived and made up the tray quickly - hopefully Anna would be feeling better and resting. The journey to the bedroom had been slow but steady, as he was careful not to drop the tray. When he pushed the door open and it creaked, the familiar noise seemed to startle her, but she smiled brightly when she saw him - and even let out a giggle when she saw that he was carrying a tray for her.

This was her first day home after leaving service, and he knew she must be feeling rather sad, despite it all. Her eyes lit up when she saw the cake he had brought just for her, and she quickly asked him to join her in bed, even if he still hadn't changed to his night clothes. He acquiesced, one of his hands instinctively touching her growing belly through the fabric of her nightgown, just as she managed to give him just a few spoons of chocolate cake whilst asking him about his day. Perhaps the transition wouldn't be so bad, after all - in fact, it had never tasted so sweet.

* * *

_Dancing_

He never danced. His bad leg made it quite difficult, and he was never much of a fan anyway, not even when he was much younger. He and Anna had danced only once before they were married, because she had asked him very sweetly in the courtyard, away from prying eyes, and he simply could not deny her.

Tonight, she was humming the same song Jimmy had been playing in the servants' hall just half an hour ago, and he was quite happy to watch her from the kitchen door as she arranged the small cushions in the parlour. It had once seemed impossible to see her so happy again, but life was slowly getting better and she seemed to be even brighter in the last few days. The bad days were still there, but they were now few and far between.

When she caught sight of him, she giggled, and asked him to join her. He did, though just barely - he didn't really know the melody. And as he stepped closer, she seemed to fall into his arms, her laughter filling the cottage and he nearly cried at how much he wanted her to be like this, every day. After just a moment, they both stopped singing, but the slow movements continued on. It wasn't a proper dance, but it was the best he could do.

And when Anna smiled brightly, looking up at him as if she had no cares in the world, he decided he would endure many more dances if this was the result.

* * *

_Teeth_

She eyed him in anticipation, his eyes dark and a grin gracing his features. His fingers traced the material softly, his hand lingering against her skin, and her heart quickened when he pressed an open-mouthed kiss just above the delicate lace. Slowly, almost impossibly so, he placed the material between his teeth and started to pull it off, his lips grazing against the skin of her leg in an almost agonizing manner.

They would make very good use of the garter, after all.

* * *

_Garden_

She has taken to care for their garden and he has taken to watch her while she focuses on her task. It's a warm spring day and they are talking about taking a short trip to the seaside on their next half day off. She is excited about the prospect, and the book he has been reading is momentarily forgotten as he admires the smile on his wife's face. He turns his gaze to the pages again, only to look up alarmed when Anna lets out a yelp.

A butterfly landed just on the tip her nose and Anna giggles at it - he can't help but let out a laugh. She wrinkles her nose and the butterfly flies away as Anna watches, but he's too busy watching his wife. He took every smile from her as a gift and this is no different. When she meets his gaze and asks what is he up to, he simply gets up and kisses her lips. She smiles again when he pulls away, and he kisses her once more - anything to make her smile last forever.

* * *

_Snow_

He was getting back home and hoping that Anna won't be long. He could start the tea and have it ready for her once she managed to leave work, and hopefully get some coal to keep the cottage warm even before that. What with the snow that had gathered in the road during the night, he was quite sure tonight promised to be even worse.

He stopped when he heard a noise behind him, but found no one there. Thinking it might have been just a squirrel, he was just a few feet away from the safety of their cottage when he was hit - in the head, nonetheless - by a snowball. Giggles erupted from behind him as he turned to see Anna leaning against a tree, her laughter filling the cold air around them. He chuckled and bent down to get some snow as well, but his wife was already running past him. He managed to catch her wrist and she turned, ready to fit into his arms, and he contemplated getting just a bit of snow to throw at her, but he was unable to resist to her kiss.

* * *

_Dinner_

He had done just as Daisy had told him to. Yet the pie tasted weird, not in a good way at all, and the potatoes were nearly toasted. He was very embarrassed to serve it all to Anna, but he had had no chance of trying the food before she arrived. She had tried to smile and even said it was good, but he quickly told her she did not have to lie for his own pride. He had expected her to feel sorry for him, but instead he was met with her quiet laughter - and he couldn't help but laugh too. For the first time he had tried to make her dinner properly, preparing it all himself, but he had failed miserably.

She kept laughing heartily until he kissed her, and dinner was forgotten in the middle of kisses and laughter. Later, as they ate biscuits for dinner, he made her promise to try to teach him how to cook properly.

* * *

_Family_

She was his family. It was a small family, by all means, what with just the two of them, but she gave him so much love and trust that he knew he just wasn't worthy of her. She was everything to him, and he needed her just as much as he needed air to breathe and water to drink. And though they both wished for more, for a bigger family, they were quite content with just the two of them. As long as he had Anna, he knew he wouldn't need anything else.

When two became three, however, he couldn't even bear to think of life without his little girl. And he knew, for the first time, what it felt like to be trapped into the happiness of his life depending on the two most beautiful girls he had ever set his eyes on.

It was more than he could have ever wished for, and all that he needed.

* * *

_Crying_

She was used to waking up in the middle of the night, her memories fresh with a nightmare, and cry. She had learned to keep quiet so no one else in the women's quarters would listen. She was used to wake up and not being able to sleep afterwards.

Tonight, however, when she did wake up from a nightmare, he was there, and she couldn't hide her crying. This time, he wrapped his arms around her and tried to tell her it would be all right - they would go back to the life they once - even though neither of them fully believed it right now. Tonight, she did not cry alone.

Tonight, for the first time feeling safe, with her husband's presence around her, she was able to fall asleep afterwards.

* * *

_Anger_

For a long time, she was angry. Angry that he wanted to protect her, angry that he left her, angry that he offered no explanations, angry that he didn't write. Angry that there didn't seem to be any regret from him, even though she was sure, she just knew that he was protecting her from something. Her noble, annoyingly gallant John Bates - still the love of her life.

When she went after him, she didn't know what to expect from herself. She didn't know what she would feel once she looked into his eyes and demanded a proper explanation - hoping that there was one. She loved him so, so much, but she was so angry. She felt her walls crumbling down as soon as she heard his voice, and when he said those words to her - _however, whatever, whenever_ - she knew she would never be able to stay mad at him for long.

* * *

_Silent_

They are both silent. It's dark and cold outside, but Anna doesn't feel cold. He has his arm around her shoulders, and she takes a deep breath. He is reading a book, and while she would normally ask him to read for her, she isn't particularly in the mood. He turns the page. His hand strokes her skin softly through the nightgown, but he's too engrossed in the book to notice.

She hugs him closer to her, resting her ear against his chest, and listens to his heartbeat. She takes a deep breath and feels his scent, and thinks that he won't leave her anymore. She wants to be able to listen to his breathing and his heartbeat and to have him warm her up every night for the rest of her life.

And that is enough, for now.

* * *

_Different_

He's different. He's less careful, more playful. He smiles more. He kisses her more, he touches her more. He's more talkative, he has developed the habit of tickling her whenever she's at home, distracted by some other task. His hands feel warmer against hers when they walk home from work. He doesn't read as much now - they have other things to do, and he says he's read too much during his inprisonment. He declares his love constantly, through notes or smiles or touches - in the servants' hall, at home, in the middle of a corridor.

He is free, and she loves him even more.

* * *

_Enthralled_

He had been worried at first. Happy, of course, so very happy, but still so worried. It hadn't really been planned; they had hoped it would happen once they could leave service, but it was never exactly prevented from happening either. When Anna told him he would be a father, the bright smile on her lips and happy tears in her eyes, he was incredibly happy. Once the initial thrill was over, his practical side became more pronounced. He wasn't so young anymore. His leg would certainly keep him from running after a toddler full of energy. Would he be a good father? And it was so worrying for Anna as well - what of labour pains, of labour itself?

The questions vanished completely once he felt their baby move for the first time. He was completely enthralled by the movement, something not so new to Anna now, but to feel the little human being moving about at the sound of his voice was something he would never forget. He couldn't wait to meet their baby.

* * *

_Pillow Fort_

The first sound he heard when he got home for tea were giggles. Not just from one person, nonetheless - it was more than enough to make him smile. He walked down the narrow corridor and was surprised to find the sitting room empty. As he crossed the room and entered the small dining room, he instantly knew what the giggles were about.

Amongst a mess of chairs and pillows and blankets, he could make out Anna's feet and the giggles grew louder. When he was finally able to peek inside the fort they had created, he was greeted with the sight of his wife tickling their little girl, at almost three years old now, growing much faster than he could handle.

"Daddy!"

He would never tire of hearing her little voice saying that word, and her chubby hands quickly pulled him inside, and Anna couldn't stop laughing at their little girl's insistent pleas. He decided to not go back to the hotel today; they could use someone more capable of handling the fort.

* * *

_Pain_

She knew he was in pain, from the way he would grimace every time he stood up, or how slow his steps were when they got back from church. She asked him enough times if she could do something about it, but he would always tell her it was nothing, and that he was fine.

She knew Mrs Hughes confronted him about it, but Anna still worried. It was just her luck that she found him in the courtyard on her half day off,after returning from a quick trip home. She gave him the can that held the ointment her mother had given her, and at his questioning look she spoke.

"Just something to help you."

She didn't want to make him uncomfortable, so the subject wasn't brought up again that evening, or the following day. It was only two days later that she found two pink sweet peas inside her buttonbox. She met his eyes across the servants' hall. Words weren't necessary.

* * *

_Fear_

She's afraid. Her thoughts are for him every day and every night; she loses her sleep over him, thinking of so many possibilities that might be able to free him. The lawyer's attempts don't seem to help anything at all and she is afraid of what will happen if they lose this case. More than anything, she worries about him - if he's eating well, how the other prisoners are treating him, if the guards are nice enough to him. But he gets thinner every time she visits, and he does not like to talk about prison. He likes to talk about her - what she's done, what are her plans and how's her life doing. He doesn't understand that there's no life for her without him. And she's afraid.

She fears that he will be hanged, and she'll lose him. And she knows that if she loses him, she'll also lose herself.

* * *

_Failed_

She's quiet. They're quiet. He can hear the raindrops against the windows and his voice falters for a moment; he doesn't really absorb the words he's reading. He reads because she asked him to; but he doesn't think she's listening.

He stops speaking. Anna is looking out the window, and he is looking at her. She doesn't seem to notice the silence, but he finds it incredibly loud. Her eyes are empty - he doesn't see the light there, the same one that always guided him home before.

He has failed her, and he wonders if he will ever see the person she used to be again.

* * *

_Rain_

They were caught in a sudden thunderstorm on the second Sunday after he arrived at Downton. It was unusually warm, and by the time they were leaving church, the world seemed to be ready to pour down right on their heads. Whilst many people hurried ahead just as the rain started, he stayed behind, as his knee was bothering him quite a bit this morning.

He watched as Mrs Hughes, Thomas and Miss O'Brien and some others ran ahead, quickly not able to see them anymore, but a few maids walked just a few steps ahead of him, making fun of the situation. Gwen and the other young housemaid - he really needed to learn all of their names, but there were so many servants - seemed to find joy in such a simple moment, and he smiled at that. To be young and free - he didn't really remember what that was like.

His eyes went for the other housemaid - the head housemaid, Anna - who was laughing quite brightly at her friends' silliness, quickly reminding them that they needed to hurry, but not before opening her arms one last time to welcome the rain. Her smile did not falter, and her gaze lingered a second longer than necessary before one of the girls grabbed her arm and they hurried ahead.

It was amazing how the longer he stayed in this place, the more he wanted to stay.

* * *

_Lace_

The lace was soft against her fingertips. Anna looked around nervously. She was still torn about coming here today. For so long she thought she would never even want to think about such things again. Perhaps it was still too soon - really, they were still reacquainting themselves. Things were still hesitating and careful.

But she wanted to surprise him. She wanted him to know she was enjoying his attentions, that she was still the same Anna she once was. She was healing, and so was he, and she wanted to surprise him and feel good about herself again.

She traced the pattern of the lace again, white and pink against her fingers, and she could already see John's fingers tracing it, admiring it against her skin. After a shaky breath, she made a decision. He always did say she could buy more garters, that they looked so good on her - what better time to start than now?

* * *

_Happy_

She had dreamed of Downton last night; she just remembered it. It hadn't been a bad dream - just a bit pointless, she supposed. There was a party, and she was in a hurry. John's cane had gone missing, for some reason, and she was trying to find it with him. But it was as if it had been set in a long time ago, perhaps almost fifteen years ago. So much had changed since then.

Anna recounted her dream to her husband as they sat on the sand; it was a somewhat cloudy day and the town was quiet. A few children were playing not far from them. She liked to watch the sea. It was something she had appreciated ever since they moved here, not long ago at all. She loved listening to the waves, the birds and the calming atmosphere of it all. John laughed loudly as she told him her dream. Anna smiled, and looked at the baby in her arms, still asleep despite her father's indiscreet laughter, and she wondered what her baby daughter could be dreaming about.

John asked her if she dreamed of Downton because she missed it. She did miss the village, the Abbey, the servants and the family they served for so many years. But she still shook her head, and looked at him with a perfectly content smile on her face.

"Sometimes reality can be better than a dream."

* * *

**A/N:** All done! I hope it wasn't too long or tiring. Reviews are always much appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
